Being a geek

Being a geek 

by Colleen Guzman

           Many of you reading this blog also watch our YouTube show so you already know that I am a seventh grade science teacher. Since today was May the 4th (Star Wars day) I decided to go to school in full Jedi gear. I am very fortunate to have an administrative team who encourages me to be myself and I want to be there being myself to help students who are like me but I must admit that it is extremely difficult.

           In order to understand my difficulty you have to have a little back story. When I was young I was made fun of and tormented over and over again. I was too tall, too fat, too strange, too geeky, too poor, etc. I have the lowest of low self esteem because of the years and years of name calling, shaming, and emotional harm. At one point in high school I was even cruel to my own very close friends because they were even geekier and nerdier than I was and I was tormented for being friends with them and I was just so tired of being tormented that I lashed out at them. That made me feel even more horrible about myself. So long story short I carry a ton of package around that makes me less than confident in myself and often makes it so I dislike myself.

          Also if you are in your forties like I am you realize that growing up in the 80's it was difficult to be a geeky. I was definitely not in fashion, it was still odd and being that I was a gamer specializing in tabletop games it was a stigma, I was possibly a devil worshiper and I may have even been in a dark room with a bunch of smelly guys being strange. Of course none of that was true but all of that was what people thought of me, and they tormented me for it so it has been difficult for me to own my geekiness at times.

        So now that you have some back story I can tell you my current story. Today for Star Wars day I wore my full Jedi gear to school. I sat in my car for  a few minutes convincing myself to get out that none of the teachers were going to make fun of me. I finally got out and headed to my classroom. I walked as quickly as I could and I reminded myself to hold my head high. As I entered the courtyard a large group of girls began to laugh very loudly and point at me. I almost froze, it took every ounce of my being to smile and keep walking. I reminded myself over and over again that I am 43 years old, people like me and I have to be okay with being a geek. I chanted this internally all the way down the 6th grade ELA hallway and then I turned the corner towards my hall and my classroom door. To my great surprise I was greeted with cheers and clapping. Several of my students were sitting there waiting for the school day to begin, some were in my D&D group, some were my Potter heads, some

were geeks like me. They lifted my spirits and their kindness warmed my heart. I was on cloud nine after that. There were other children during the day who sniggered a bit but most of the kids were kind and accepting and most of the adults were too. I took photos with students and they gave me a thumbs up and told me I looked great. I also got to see some other teachers dressed up in their Star Wars finery and I made some new connections with people. I even got to rage about a fellow teacher who wore the Chewbacca mask (If you watch the show you know Chewbacca mom makes me triggered.)

           I had a wonderful day but it was also very difficult and I am exhausted emotionally all over again just writing about it. I did feel like it was important that I write about it because I know people out there suffer through the same thoughts and feelings I have and I just want all of those people to know that they can do it. You can put yourself out there, you can be yourself and you may make a difference to someone who is afraid to be themselves too, or you could make a new connection with someone new. It is okay to be you and some people aren't going to be okay with that but ultimately it is you who has to be okay with that, so take little steps and start liking yourself because you're worth it.